I was recently (Oct. 15, 2005) interviewed on ABS-CBN News Channel (ANC) along with ICANSERVE sister Bibeth Orteza and Ms. Marisa Lopa of ABS-CBN Publishing.
At that interview, I was asked about how the family members were coping with my illness.
I related to the hosts that on the way to the studio for the interview, I was powdering my face using compact pressed powder when my daughter Dana, 6 years old, asked that she too use the powder. I told her, the powder was for older ladies and that she will get to use one when she reaches high school or even sixth grade (she’s in first grade).
Then she blurted out, “E patay ka na nu’n” (“But you’ll be dead by then”). I felt a knife stab my chest. Still, I started to probe where that comment came from. Why did Dana say such a thing? And she started to cry saying she was just afraid I will die.
It is so painful to see my little one trying to accept the reality that maybe, just maybe, her “beautiful mother” will not live the next five years to see her reach high school or even sixth grade.
Gino, 10 years old, was furious at his little sister saying she’s worrying too much because Mama will not die yet.
Like I shared at Silver Linings, I cannot dwell on these thoughts of my children too much because I really cannot bear the burden of trying to manage even their personal issues. Just as I have my own lessons to learn, the children must learn their own lessons in this experience we are going through.
Being in the new, normal of undergoing a second round of treatment via oral chemotherapy somehow made me a bit complacent that the children are handling our situation well enough. The bare truth is that they are just as scared as they were in the beginning when cancer first entered our conscious reality at home.
I may be indifferent to death now, but my children’s fear of losing me has never really gone away—just pushed back from conscious memory and it comes out every so often in the most startling ways. This is what happened when Dana expressed the belief that I could already be dead by the time she reaches high school.
Today, I try to reassure the children constantly that death may be a stark possibility, but God’s help is always a certainty. They will always have all the love and caring they could wish for, whether their mom is physically present or not.
Who am I trying to convince: them or me?
I beg you: Please pray for our little family, especially for Gino and Dana. Grappling with cancer is such a tough reality.
