Standstill

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on this day (August 30) 12 years ago.

Since then, family life had been about moving forward: completing treatments, finishing school (MBA), seeing the kids graduate (pre-school, elementary, high school, on to college), visiting friends and relatives (alive or dead), going to places we've never been, returning to places we love, undergoing annual laboratory tests, taking the cats to the vet, paying off debts (and incurring new ones), et cetera.

Five months ago, my world stood still. The hubby passed away after 18 days in the hospital (12 of them in intensive care). I am still trying to come to grips with this fact. Moving forward can only be done in slow motion---very slow motion.

Surviving a spouse is obviously very different from surviving a disease. I am grateful that God has willed for me to carry on, but all the more I feel unworthy. My husband watched his diet, exercised regularly and slept like a baby. He even taught the cats to eat only chicken and fish (no pork, and definitely no fat). My balanced diet is chocolate cake on one hand and hot chocolate on the other. Only recently (May 2016) have I been getting some exercise because of a Fitbit that my son gave me.

I have always accepted the wisdom of an old friend: "In the end it is just you and God." With my husband gone, it certainly feels like the end to me---yep, it's just me and God now: to look after the kids, feed the cats, fix the house, drive to work, shop, travel and dine.

Everything is a chore now. Done out of necessity, when it shouldn't be.

How do I move forward without love? Not the love of my late spouse with whom I shared 22 years of this life. Not the love of God to whom I am grateful for His great mercy. Not the love of my children who pardon and make up for their mother's failings. Not the love of relatives and friends who reach out and let me know daily that I am not alone.

I believe I have lost the love inside me that I used to give freely, for no reason.

Until I find it, I am all out... of hope, of joy, of peace.