Debut

I am a debutante again today. It has been 18 years since I was first diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. Indeed it is a great blessing to be alive and kicking--or should I say, walking. I celebrated by walking this morning, even if it isn't the weekend yet (the usual days for my walks). 

I have been feeling low this whole month of August. It was the late hubby's birth anniversary and of course, I could not help but miss him all the more. When he was alive, we'd forget his birthday often, on a regular basis even. But now that he is gone, we don't forget his birthday anymore. Why is that? 

Then there was news of celebrities falling to cancer (like ICANSERVE Foundation volunteer Cherie Gil and Asia's fastest woman, Lydia de Vega Mercado), and also two friends (the wife of a former colleague and a former co-worker in media). There was just a lot of sadder news on top of already sad news. 

And I haven't even recovered from my mom's demise a few months ago, on the very first day of the Year of the Tiger... what a ferocious Tiger Year it has been so far. 

I console myself with the thought that they have already accomplished their mission, and have no unfinished business on this earth... but still I grieve... and feel empty, like my heart was stolen and don't know when it will be restored.

The guilt survivors feel for surviving can eat one up from the inside. It makes you feel sorry for living when others were not so fortunate. It makes you want to exchange places with the deceased. I have felt this way many times, over and over, in the last 18 years... as sister after sister succumbed to our shared disease... most especially when my husband passed on... and recently, with even more sisters losing the battle.

May the Lord God Almighty, who breathes His Spirit into me each moment of my life, bring me to accept realities I cannot change. I do count on His strength to power me through these days and nights. 

It is really my hope in Him that keeps me going. I hope I am doing what I am supposed to be doing according to His Will. I hope the joys I find on this earth will fill me not with guilt but with peace, acknowledging always God's great mercy. And I hope I am making good use of the time He has given me---like the last 18 years. 

Though sometimes I can't help it, I really shouldn't feel guilty. Everything, every day, every hour is a gift, truly undeserved and hence, most definitely a gift. All praise, honor and thanksgiving be to God Almighty, generous Giver of gifts, our Hope and Salvation.