Home from Chemo 5

It is with great joy that I face the task of signing and mailing Christmas cards, though it seems so late in this season of cheer. 

The only symptoms I have of having finished my fifth chemo cycle are bouts of dizziness (from the low blood count) and sleeplessness. I lie awake at night thinking of what gift to give to so and so, when to meet so and so, and where to mail the card for so and so.

The doctor gave me a new medicine, something to protect my liver from further damage. My extremities feel somewhat numb, but I am not too bothered. It felt like this shortly after surgery, when the nerves were between feeling and not feeling. I’m supposed to take the lot for ten days and I believe everything will be back to normal in due time. I should finish in a week those five pills in the morning, one at noon and another five in the evening.

The children are so eager to have the last of my chemo treatments over and done with. They keep on reminding me how happy they are that December 30 (as marked on our home calendar) will be the last of my confinements in the hospital. 

Dana is still coping with thoughts of death. I guess the fear of it is just too active in her consciousness, but she is talking and reaching out to us. Gino has been the brave big brother, although we know it has not been easy for him. He has been assuring us all of his love and devotion. =)

Expenses amounted to P65,404.22 for Chemo 5, P71,379.42 for Chemo 4, P61,617.68 for Chemo 3, P55,485 for Chemo 2 and P59,187.25 for Chemo 1. Including the advance payment of P41,911.42 for Chemo 6 medicine, total expenses for my treatment have reached P354,984.99. 

I thank my college classmates for visiting me in PGH. It is so wonderful to have you stand by me. If I do not look weak, it is because you make me strong. Your friendship and love sustain me.

When I first faced the reality of cancer in my life, I was so afraid of the pain, especially the pain that would be suffered by my husband and children. I prayed for strength to face all the pain—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

I knew pain would end only at death, but it took me all the way to Chemo 2 before I could say I was ready. “Lord, I am ready to go where you please. Just please take care of my family. Your will be done.” And as soon as I could peacefully accept cancer and pain and death at any time, I began to live as I wanted to: bravely for myself and for my family.

I thank all of you who pray for me. You give me courage, strength and hope.

Home from Chemo 4

I am happy to report that Chemo cycle 4 was uneventful. It seems we have finally gotten these treatments down pat. 

The children were sufficiently busy with their monthly school exams to not fret about the single night I was spending in the hospital. Sweet hubby Norman did well to walk up and down the five flights of stairs in PGH to release nervous energy, successfully avoiding bitter discussions about slow-moving queues and inefficient hospital processes (which have noticeably improved).

Back home, I applied myself to the routine of sleeping and eating, sleeping and eating, sleeping and eating—making sure I took the right medicine at the right time. Almost like clockwork. =)

I am hopeful that the last two chemo cycles set for December will be equally uneventful. My regimen is now Docetaxel, 120 mg, Epirubicin, 60 mg, and Cyclophosphamide, 700 mg. 

Expenses amounted to P71,379.42 for Chemo 4, P61,617.68 for Chemo 3, P55,485 for Chemo 2 and P59,187.25 for Chemo 1. Including the advance payment of P48,586.42 for Chemo 5 medicine, total expenses for my treatment have reached P296,255.77. 

The higher expenses for Chemo 4 stem from the huge drop in my white blood cells during the last treatment. I had to buy an extra vial of medicine to push the count up. I normally get three injections only but after Chemo 3, the doctor ordered a fourth. The result was spectacular. My last lab test before Chemo 4 showed the highest white blood cell count since chemotherapy began. =)

I am so grateful for all the support I continue to receive. I may have lost all my hair but I continue to gain friends and well wishers by the day. 

I continue to pray that all my donors are rewarded a thousand-fold. May God’s infinite mercy and bountiful blessings ever be with us. And may none of us travelers in this crazy world ever grow weary of doing good. 

My family holds all you generous souls as models. We are strengthened by your faith and your love.

Home from Chemo 3

Where do you go when you’re somewhere between feeling rotten and feeling miserable? And your primary caregiver, who has barely had any sleep, still has to go to work to keep the world somehow in balance?

It’s probably the coughing and runny nose that made it worse. Chemo 3 should have gone the way of Chemo 2. Most side effects were under control—nausea, constipation, general malaise, that feeling of weakness in the arms and legs. I actually thought I could go back to work in three days!

But my chest and back have been aching from all the coughing. And the metallic taste in my mouth has come on stronger, making food tasteless and un-appetizing. I just have to claim God’s mighty blessing, a double portion of strength for the journey that remains.

I’ve been gulping apple-and-carrot shakes, Ensure and papaya or melon shakes. Meanwhile, the kids seem to be happy to go back to school after a week-long semestral break. I figure I have tortured them enough. =)

All I’ve done really is S-L-E-E-P…the faster to regenerate those healthy cells of mine affected by the treatment. The doctor told me the main causes of collapsing veins in chemo patients are dehydration and anxiety. Hence, with three more cycles to go, I am taking in more liquid and relaxing as best as I can. I need lots of water and rest, and please, no stress.

I was in Boracay for my 36th birthday on a non-exchangeable, non-transferrable holiday. Watching the children swim for hours made me feel like cancer was suddenly sucked out of my system, and we had no cares whatsoever in the world. Indeed, God’s miracles abound! In the midst of the driest of chemo experiences, I have my fun-filled, sun-kissed Boracay vacation to remember.

It is truly a great blessing to be now half-way of six recommended chemo cycles. The resources given to me to reach this milestone are a continuous source of joy and celebration for my family. The richness of the love and affection I receive from all over gives me the needed boost to fight constantly threatening depression and anxiety. 

Expenses have amounted to P61,344.26 for Chemo 3, P55,485 for Chemo 2 and P59,187.25 for Chemo 1. The expenses for the three chemo cycles total P176,016.51. 

To my donors, your goodness sustains me and I live because you have chosen to give me life. Who can stay ill in the face of such goodness? You make me want to breathe, eat, get out of bed, hug my children, be somebody other than a whining patient. 

You have the exact same effect on me as my daughter Dana has. She sees me in a house dress known in these parts as ‘daster’—an unglamorous if humongous combination of curtain, table cloth and bed sheet purporting to be women’s clothing—then whispers softly in my ear, “Ma, nice dress,” complete with the sweetest smile known to man. I am ecstatic, and absolutely healed! =)

Your love transforms me daily. I pray to bear you all good fruit.

Home from Chemo 2

“Don’t think of it as losing hair, sweetheart. Think of it as gaining face.” =)

Words of wisdom from my husband Norman, resident entertainer and comedian.

On my waking from a four-hour morning ‘nap’, he asks me how I feel. 

To describe my feeling of weakness, I say, “My legs are like jello, my arms like pudding.” 

He dismisses my similes as plain hunger, “You ought to have some lunch.” =)

And but of course, the standard introductory line, “This is Carla, my eldest child. As you can see, she still hasn’t grown her hair.” =)

How the Good Lord multiplies His great blessings daily! 

Email and text messages from friends express genuine concern for my well-being. Phone calls are real embraces, pulling me from the depths of despair and bringing me into a circle of social affection, a life on the fringes of disease and disability, a life I am part of no matter how cloistered I seem to be nowadays.

My neighbors in Antipolo are a wellspring of goodwill. They welcome us in their homes and visit us in ours. They have shown such love and caring, such nurturing and support for my family. I am ever so grateful.

My body’s reaction to Chemo 2 seems better than to Chemo 1. The doctor made adjustments in my medicines and other regimen. I can stay home for the subcutaneous vial injections to push up my white blood cell count because the good Dr. Joyce Moncupa of Taytay is responding to home calls if only for me. 

I still sleep 15-16 hours a day. My lucid moments add up to about three hours a day. If I am not sleeping, I am dizzy or in pain. The pain is sometimes a splitting headache. Like a chisel being driven with a hammer from the top of my head, through where my right eye is, down to the base of my head, where my throat is. At night, it’s like a heart attack. A dull pain as if someone was gripping my heart and moving it slightly to my left side, where my breast used to be. There is a feeling of heaviness and I can’t breathe. The ache radiates to my left side, all the way to my arm which feels a stinging pain, which I am told is common post-surgery. It’s supposed to be the nerves returning to sensation from weeks of numbness.

At times like these I imagine the hand of Jesus on my heart, telling me to love, love, love. Love completely, love unconditionally. And most important: Learn to be loved. I used to rage in the depths of me that I had to get cancer to learn this lesson. Why had I needed to bother 75+ people for my financial requirements to learn this lesson on love—giving and receiving? But kindness comforts the most insecure among us. 75+ people have chosen to give that I may live, and love, and be with my family just a little while longer. And rage is replaced by utmost gratitude. 

Gino cried once hearing me struggle with the pain. He and Dana are the most charitable kids I know, telling me a bald head suits me fine. And I believe them. Their opinion is all that matters to me now. 

They expect me to help them with homework while I’m home. And to go back to work next week. I just love them so much. Each morning we thank the Good Lord for another day together as a family. Oh, to live for just another day--what a wonderful miracle! I still live now for my children and my husband, as it was before we knew cancer. But now, life has slowed enough to live the hours and the days, rather than weeks and months at a time.

My high school classmates (ICAM Batch ‘85) organized a badminton benefit to raise funds for my treatment. I could not go to the event (Sunday after Chemo 2) but I hope to see them soon. 

So far, I have spent P114,672.25 for two chemo cycles. That’s P59,187.25 for Chemo 1 and P55,485 for Chemo 2. The lower Chemo 2 bill is for staying one night less in the hospital, and in a smaller room. The doctor says he was just breaking me into the chemo drugs and he will increase the dosage (and hence, the expenses) in the next cycle (Chemo 3). But worries are out the door. Life with my children is just so beautiful I shall happily take all the drugs and side effects for just one more hour or day with them. =)

I continue to thank my donors, all 75+ of you. I pray for you all daily. As a beneficiary of your kinship and humanity, I owe my life to you. I owe each precious moment I have with my children to you. I shall praise God for your work in me all the days of my life. I offer all my hours—waking or sleeping—for the conversion of souls and the brotherhood of men. 

May God, in His infinite mercy, bless you all greatly just as you have chosen to bless me daily with your kindness and love.

Happy days

This last week was as normal as normal could be. I was so happy to be doing all the normal things I used to take for granted as duties of an ordinary working mom.

I went to work from Tuesday to Friday. I went to a special event Friday night. And on Saturday, the best yet: grocery shopping and bringing the kids to the pediatrician for immunization. All this time my blood count was well below the normal range. I now confirm that laboratory results and real life may not match because I felt fine all week. Of course, with no night classes for MBA, I was getting enough sleep nightly.

I should have gone to a burial today, Sunday, but was prevailed upon by my husband, sister and cousin to stay home and rest. I know I’m not superwoman so I decided to heed their advice (for once). =) I am susceptible to infection so I have been wearing a face mask all week in public places (office, church, hospital, public transport).

Now, I dread going to my second chemo cycle this Thursday, October 7. Just the thought of another zombie week fills me with terror. Imagine, just as I am recovering from the first cycle, it’s time for the second. But I have accepted that chemo is my friend. It’s what I need to completely recover. 

I thank all the members of the Economic Journalists Association of the Philippines for a very special fellowship night on October 1. Thank you for inviting me while I still had my hair. =) My mane’s getting thinner by the day and soon it will all be gone. I also thank the night’s sponsors and guests for contributing to my treatment fund and to the EJAP HMO project. I was an EJAP member not too long ago, when I wrote for a business paper as a reporter and then as a columnist. I am so glad that the fellowship lives on.

Please continue praying for me and my family. Chemo treatment can be very challenging and traumatic. Your support makes a difference. You give us strength and courage and renew our faith in daily.

A friend (Liza) sent me by text message the following verse, the psalm on the feast day of the guardian angels: “The Lord has put angels in charge of you, to guard you in all your ways.”

I have always called you, my donors, relatives and friends, my angels. For truly in your own way, you have taken me (and my family) in your charge, ensuring I get the treatment I need, and keeping me brave and hopeful. 

May God bless you all a thousand-fold. With your help, I am strong for my family and with my children and husband, I am faithful to you. We pray always to keep your trust. 

Home from Chemo 1

 I was admitted to PGH at 6:30 p.m. of Thursday, September 16. Because the main chemo agent is not available at the PGH pharmacy, the doctor arranged for me to buy directly from the med rep and we had to wait for it to be delivered the next morning (this resulted in cheaper overall cost). I got a 30% discount by buying direct and an additional 1.5% discount by paying cash. Instead of paying P50,304.05 for 100 mg, I just paid P34,685.00.

Intravenous chemo administration began at 12 noon of September 17, beginning with pre-medications (anti-allergy, antibiotic, anti-nausea) and then the EC in TEC (Taxotere, 100 mg.; Epirubicin, 70 mg.; Cyclophosphamide, 700 mg). That took about an hour or until 1 pm. At 2 pm, the T was administered and this took about two hours or until 4 pm.

We were given home instructions and my husband, Norman, had to buy all these take-home medicines. I was on dextrose overnight and was officially discharged at 10:15 a.m. of Saturday, September 18 (although we did not get out of PGH until past 12 noon). 

At home, the kids were happily surprised my hair had not fallen off completely. They thought I had not had my chemotherapy yet. I said it would happen gradually in the next few days and weeks. I had asked them before I went to the hospital if they would still love me even if I went bald. And the sweet answer of my lovely Dana is, “Of course, Mama, we will still love you even if you go bald. You’re our only Mama.”

The whole weekend was a ‘zombie’ or ‘veggie’ weekend for me. I can’t sit up for five minutes without feeling super-tired. I’m aching all over, from head to foot. And the anti-nausea drug is causing constipation and a huge tummy ache. I’m taking so many medicines I don’t want to take any more for fear of adverse drug interactions. I can’t even answer phone calls. Sleeping the ill feelings away, all day.

My white blood cell (WBC) count is expected to drop to very low levels this week, and I am scheduled for a three consecutive vial injections on Wednesday through Friday (September 22-24) to boost my WBC count. I will be on preventive antibiotic therapy since a low WBC count makes me very prone to common infections (viral, bacterial). 

But prayer is a strong ally in these times of weakness or physical uncertainty. And the text messages and well wishes of friends have kept my spirits up. I am happy to be on the way to recovery and I am eternally grateful for the generous support of my donors, my friends. My family is blessed by all of you. =)

Chemotherapy slated

The week ends with a choice of treatment route. I will begin my chemotherapy on Thursday, September 16 at the Philippine General Hospital (PGH). The estimated cost of treatment can be seen on ourownlittleway.org. I saw four oncologists in the course of the week and I am confident I have chosen the one who can help me most. By choosing PGH, I hope to be able to receive some financial assistance from the office of a kind senator.

Linear accelerator radiotherapy (the recommended treatment after chemotherapy) is not available in PGH. I will have to go to another hospital for that.

My bone scan turned out negative, “no evidence of metastatic bone disease”, which is good news, although I was advised that it cannot detect cancer in the earliest stages. My ERA/PRA also turned out negative, which means hormonal therapy only has a 10% chance of helping me suppress cancer cells. 

I wrote my children’s class advisers and school principal to inform them of the conditions at home. I asked them to please inform me of any behavioral changes Gino and Dana may exhibit. I was assured the children will have access to the school’s guidance and counseling professionals who may be of help.

I thank all the donors who have pitched in for my treatment. Truly, the hand of God is working through all of you to save me. You have given hope to my children, who are counting on me to get well. You are angels ministering God’s love to me and my family. It is so much easier to keep a positive attitude when the financial ‘worry’ is shared among so many. Thank you for helping us at this time of great need. We are forever in your debt.

In God is my hope, my strength, my victory. Let His will be done in my life.